Blinded by the Lights

I am very aware that I haven’t written anything for over one month. This is been a very intense (sometimes stressful) time in all senses.
It’s not like I haven’t thought of topics to write about, it’s more like my head is been all over the place for a while. Every time I’ve started thinking and writing about something I’ve ended up getting off track.

About a week ago I came back from a work trip to a very distant city. If it hadn’t been for work I would have probably never stepped on that country at all. The reason behind it being that I feel there are many other destinations that I find more interesting.

But this trip has been of use to shake my beliefs once again. I thought my mind was clear and I had come to terms with my life but I guess I was wrong.
I’ve seen wonderful places and met wonderful people. I’ve overcome bothersome challenges and still managed to have a good time and come back with some homework to do…

This trip has made me restless again, it has brought some life back into me and has made me want to do things and be happy. That’s the best way I can explain it.

I’ve relived the life I had ten years ago. Meaning I’ve felt again the life I had inside of me: the hope, the wonderful expectations and amazement. And it still feels right. It’s a life where every day is exciting and I never feel lonely even though I am surrounded by strangers. There is always something to do and someone to go out with. They’re never too busy and I am never unimportant.
Here, being back for a week, I already feel surprisingly lonely although all my friends and family are around.
And that is exactly what I have always liked about living in a place where everyone is a foreigner: you’re never alone. Living in a place like the one I live in now makes me feel very isolated. The place where I live is not a single-friendly place, everything and everyone is family/couple oriented and I do not have one. And by the look of things I might not have it ever.

Away, I’ve instantly found company, people who could be friends and others who could be lovers. All were nice and very interesting people.
So what does it all mean? The trip has stirred me up tremendously. Or maybe I’ve been just blinded by the lights. Or maybe it is that I am not that crazy: there are people who are like me and think like me. It is just that they are not around here.
Therefore I might need to not be here.

(This post best read while listening to:
Dancepack by Volcano Choir)

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Playing Cool

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There is a huge difference between playing cool and being a fool. But it is amazing how not that many people comprehend the gap between the two.

I’ve found myself in different situations, with different people and in different places, and in a few too many of those occasions I have been taken for a fool, for an insignificant being that was thought to not realize I was being played. Little they knew.

To be honest, there are countless times when I just downplay or play dumb on purpose for a while, pretending I don’t hear, see or sense certain things. I tend to do it because that way you get to know the “real yous” in the people that surround you, and in the people that you meet. But also because I am not a person to make a fuss, take things too seriously or give too much importance to actions or to people who don’t deserve it.

A lot has been written about the “Power of Nice” and how it works better to be nice to people than not, but I am not sure whether I completely agree with that statement. It’s true that even though I am usually good at distinguishing them, everyone should be given the opportunity (only one) to prove they are good people, be given the benefit of the doubt, sometimes merely for the sake of somebody else. Nevertheless, way too often, people identify friendliness with stupidity.

If you ask people who know me, many will describe me as nice and most will even use the word sweet. So that makes me extremely prone to be seen as really foolish in the eyes of others. But we all hit a limit, and that is when people start to blatantly treat you like you’re a moron.

That is the exact breaking point. Once you have uncovered the “real yous” around. Hence, there is no further need to play dumb, small and invisible. Surprise, surprise: you are you, letting everyone know where you’ve been standing all along, now standing tall, and then, oh! (awe!), you can see who really stays near once they know you can’t be fooled.

(This post best read while listening to: Big City Secret by Joseph Arthur)

Trust?

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What if we all trusted? If we all cared, if we all were open and kind?
Would we all believe? Is that possible?
Trusting is hard…

Would you let yourself go?