On Friendship

A week ago I went to a birthday party. It didn’t get too crazy because it was a party that was thrown for a toddler 😊. She’s the daughter of one of my best friends.

I think me and my Mr. were one of the only people there that had no children. It gave me time to look around a lot and think about my group of friends.

Some of them I have known since college and after a lot of travelling, moving around, and then coming back, the friendship has continued ever since. Others have joined a little (or a lot) afterwards.

That weekend at that party things went slow motion in my head for a while as I saw them playing with their kids. I looked back at everything they (we) have endured, the astounding moments we have shared, whether together on in the distance, and also the harder times we have gone through.

Of course I knew way before that moment, but it came even clearer to me then: my friends are such amazing individuals. They have all gone through their struggles, their good and bad times, and here they are, I love every bit about them because they are everything that a person (and a good friend) needs to be.

I am so proud of them, and everything they’ve become. I feel blessed to have found them and being able to consider them part of my family.

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That Which Moves You

Today by pure chance, I’ve been listening to music that I haven’t listened to in a while. A while basically means years ago, as I was a teenager.

You know that music transports you to whenever you used to hear that particular song, artist, or album altogether. Today it was a bit different. Music took me back to some time ago but what I’ve felt was not the same. For some reason I’ve felt like an spectator of my own life. It felt a bit awkward, like that teenager felt, but mostly I’ve felt like I was looking at my life from really far away, as if I was already 90 years old and I was staring at that youngster trying to tell her about what she’s missing because she’s thinking too much and being too self-conscious.

I started thinking about the things that I had experienced at that time when the music was on, and for some reason the feeling that stayed with me today was the feeling of “I need to do something”.

Every time I hear (or read) about one of my favorite artists’ life, it makes me want to create something. I feel like I have something that I need to communicate and let out, but I don’t know what it is or how to do it.

I’ve recently published a book, and I thought that that would calm me down somehow, but on the contrary, it has awaken my “hunger” for creating more stuff, whether it is prose, poems, designs or songs or… So I’ve discovered a new obsession for my days now: I can’t stop thinking about what I could (need to) do (create) in order to set myself free from the burden that is knowing that I need to let my soul speak somehow, but I don’t know why or how. But I will keep trying to figure it out.

 

(This post best read while listening to:

Jigsaw Falling into Place by Radiohead)

Sink, Fly, Float. Repeat


We all have our weaknesses. Some of them we don’t even recognize, some of them we learn to live with, and some other we try to overcome.

One of my “strongest” weaknesses has always been being too nice. It could also be described as “being a sucker”.

I remember situations in the past when I can see clearly how stupid, or naive or both I have been. I can feel the frustration of my current self, seeing how badly my previous self was being treated and how I did nothing to change it.

Over the course of many many years of self-training, I have been learning to look after myself first, analyzing every bit of other people’s reaction to understand whether I was being taken advantage of or not, whether they were being truthful, just wanted something from me or they were just laughing at my expense. For years I’ve re-educated myself to be mean, ruthless and not caring about other people’s opinion, to despise other ways of thinking if I didn’t like the person, being purposely resentful and actually enjoying the whole process without feeling guilty.

On the positive side, it is a good improvement for me somehow, because I’ve learned that I can change things that were embedded in my personality when I was a kid. On the negative side, that sort of detachment that keeps me from feeling so much pain, makes me a bit of an iceberg (or even a not-so-passive hammer) sometimes.

I block situations or comments or people altogether when they hurt and I build an isolating wall of spite sound them, while my mind goes other way to forget about the pain.

If for so many years I was very nice and so many afterwards I wasn’t, so what, the average still comes out as ok, right? But it reminds me of the way a rubber ball would behave if you throw it violently against water: it will sink in the beginning, then it will also violently fly back up out if the water to finally quietly float. 

I guess I’d rather be unlinked than taken for a fool. I see it as a survival instinct, but I guess that doesn’t make it alright.

(This post best read while listening to:

When Anger Shows by Editors)

The Old Ways


How long does it take us to go back to the old ways?

I remember when I started to learn how to drive: there was no way I could stay straight on the road without the help of an instructor, taking control of the steering wheel and bringing me back to the center of the lane.

Now I don’t even have to think to drive straight. One-handed if needed. While thinking about a thousand other things or while singing along to whatever it’s playing on the radio.

From time to time we all need to be reminded to stay on the road. Whether it is the right road, the road to change, the better road. We’re all going somewhere but might go astray some times. The only thing that we need is a soft and kind reminder to correct it.

It is alright to stray, and of course for others as well. Just the same way that we sometimes need that push, others might need it too, so be kind when bringing someone back to the road and remember that just a gentle pull should be enough.

 

(This post best read while listeling to:

Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap)

Inverted Karma

  

There is a popular saying where I come from and it says something like we all are carriers in life: we are constantly walking the same roads, therefore we will all cross ways at some point. If I pass you on my way and you do not help me, there is a possibility that I see you in the same situation at some point and I might choose not to help you, so be aware.

I think it is the earthly way of explaining karma.

We all understand how karma works. It is universal justice put into practice. Or so we would like to believe. We all figure that we have to do good to receive good. But what happens when we have received bad and later we have the opportunity to do bad? What happens when karma turns around and harms someone who’s harmed you first?

If the wheel spins and it is your time to be the lucky one, should you help the unlucky one? Is it bad karma to go against karma? Or is it bad karma to not do anything?

In the example of the carriers that I explained above, if I don’t help someone who hasn’t helped me first, are we even? Is it one action designed to counterbalance the previous one or does karma work like mileage points that you endlessly accumulate?

Are we even allowed to decide that something has happened because of karma or are we just not the ones to decide?

In the end it’s all about whether we are constantly creating karma and whether we are significant enough to be an active part of it.

Would you still call it karma though, or reciprocity? I guess this line of thought can be expanded and extended forever, so I will leave it to each of you to debate and decide.

We’ll do the best we can I am sure.

 

(This post best read while listening to :

Caring is Creepy by The Shins)

Long Time (and hidden) Wishes

We spend our lives planning for the future or thinking of it. The things we study, the type of job we’d like to have, the type of life, the type of partner we’d like to share our life with and so on… We all picture it all in our minds and then plan accordingly (somehow). Every conscious move we make in life is moving toward making those wishes happen.
It’s the lighthouse we sail towards to.

But how about other things we do but we can’t explain why we do them? And especially those things that seem to take us further away from the achievement of our goals?

I’ve recently read that it’s possible that sometimes even though we have these conscious objectives, that we carefully choose and think about and dream about and work towards to, we might also have, at the same time, another unconsciously planned “agenda”, or assumption, or commitment with ourselves or whatever we want to call it, that implies we are going to have to go in opposite directions.

We do conscious efforts to fulfill our conscious goals and therefore unconscious actions will be driving us to our unconscious goals.
Both forces happening at any given time, creating and leaving a mess behind (or in front of us).

So our minds are capable of doing wonders: making us go in two different directions in this very moment. Without us realizing.
Once we have understood this, though, it seems easy to identify a solution: finding out what our hidden commitments are and void one of the two: the conscious one or the unconscious one. But not so easy I guess.

This thought is been bothering me for quite some time, but it came back to my mind today with renewed strength. Last night I had another one of those dreams that stick to you for a long time the day after.
Someone I haven’t spoken to in a long long time decided to come back from the past and step into my mind while I was sleeping.

Nothing strange in the dream, the whole story checked out, from beginning to end, no strange happenings, no crazy elements. Maybe just me resisting to be nice and unsuccessfully trying to still be angry at that person though he was being just like I remember when we first met and I so much liked.

My conscious mind guessed afterwards the dream was the result of the things I talk about lately, the new activities and the classes I’ve rejoined, the places I’ll have to visit and my newly gained perspective on past events.

My conscious mind also realized how some things from the past stick with you the same way the dream does: in the background, creeping into your mind and coming out when you least expect it.

But he showed up so intensely that I’d like to think that he consciously decided to be in my dream last night, because he can, and so he was…
(Yes, I forgot to mention that somewhere between the conscious and the unconscious I would place the wishful thinking.
Because it’s the only one that makes me smile.)

(This post best read while listening to:
High by The Cure)

Let the Horses Run Free

Every day we live under many constraints and responsibilities that require us to stick to schedules, rules and make us conform a certain image that we need to show the world.
But how much of ourselves do we really show? How much do we lose on the way? How much of that daily limited character is really our own self?

From time to time we all need to let ourselves go. We need to break from routine. We need to open the gate and let the horses run free. We need to go crazy sometimes, and release some steam in order to go back to be who we are required to be and to do what we are required to do.
Therefore we need to understand that people around us need it as well.

So let the horses jump about and run around. Then sit down, relax and watch them enjoy themselves and play.

We all know that we can count on few people when you’re having a hard time, but even fewer will be there when you need to be truly yourself. Only then, you’ll know who’s there for you and who’s not.

The people who are worth keeping in our lives are those who lean themselves against the gate, rest their chins on their hands, and smile while they eagerly watch our horses being free. Because they’ll know that’s what we need.

(This post best read while listening to:
Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses by U 2)