Wow What a Ride

The last few years have been quite special. Some things have happened and they were very sad. Some other things have been very happy.

Now that the end of the year approaches, it’s time to do a little review. I am not a big fan of doing what everybody else does, but any excuse is as good as other to rewind, and consider where we are to then decide where we want to go to.

We all have goals (if you don’t, please stop reading, find them, write them down and have them somewhere close when you can see them every day!), but what’s a goal without knowing where we stand at the moment.

Picture yourself in an unknown city, standing in the middle of the street. You are out for sightseeing and there is a certain place that you would like to go to. You search for it in a map. Did you find it? Cool, that is your destination (your goal). What’s next? You guessed it: you need to know where you are in that city at the moment in order to map out the way that will get you there.

This time around this goal setting exercise is a bit different from others. This year I’ve reached an age that makes me feel like I am in the peak of the mountain and then everything else is downwards… I don’t really feel “downwards” but when I look back at my life up until this point, it feels a bit that way.

Then I know I tell everyone otherwise but in a way it is what I feel. It’s like I don’t really believe it is the peak but sometimes in certain things (goals) I think about, my first automatic response or reaction is “I’m too old for that, I should have done that so-many years ago”. Then I realize: “no, not old at all, I can do that anytime!”

This year has been a lot of looking back and realizing that a long time has passed but I actually feel the same I used to when I was twenty or even twenty-five years younger. I am still that person who loved music and wanted to travel the world, have an exciting life, and not regretting anything.

Did I do all those things that I wanted? Most definitely. I have done all that I wanted. When I look back I’ve had amazing years and experiences. I feel the same though, but I don’t see myself the same way. I’ve realized this when listening to music.

I’ve listened to pretty much the same bands over the years since I was a teenager or since I was in my twenties (you can tell by the songs I choose to accompany my posts here). Their music has evolved, just like we all have evolved. I’ve been “rescuing” this music mainly this year and have been listening to it again. While I still enjoy the music, maybe I don’t feel as identified with all the lyrics anymore. I guess we match (or at least I did) what we listen to to our state of mind at the moment.

At that time, awkwardness or the feeling of inadequacy mixed with certain level of rebelliousness and wanting to be different at the same time made me prone to certain type of content in everything I listened to or read or watched. There were many contradictions and opposing thoughts, but I guess that was normal at that point in life.

Now that music takes me back to how I felt when I listened to it. It is that powerful and I love that about music.

Now one of these bands I used to listened to published a new album with lyrics that resembled those of those years, but well, actually a little more “decaffeinated” and “soft” and it almost like they wanted to bring back those years… To me it just sounded strange that fifty-year-olds were trying to sound like twenty-year-olds again. It sounded a bit frivolous to me and of course, very disappointing.

What I realized after that is that we all have “calmed down”. The relentless dissatisfaction of youth has been substituted by the realization that taking action is its best remedy. If I don’t like something now, I work to change it.

When I look at my every day, it just looks like I’m not accomplishing enough or fast enough, but it is only when I look back, when I realized that I have accomplished a lot. I am sure you have too. If you doubt it, write in a piece of paper, decade by decade of your life, every success you have had, no matter how small and obvious it might seem. You will soon realize you have done a lot and also how much more you have to go.

I feel the same (I am the same) but my priorities and goals have changed, my way of approaching things and dealing with issues have changed, how could they not?

I’ve said I’ve done everything that I wanted so far. I’ll make sure I’ll keep it that way and continue to do whatever it is I want.

To many more successes.

This post best read while listening to “You Only Live Once” by The Strokes

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How Time Drives Away

It’s been over a year since I last published here. It’s not that I didn’t have anything to write about but quite the opposite. Sometimes too much stuff gets thrown your way and it’s hard to find focus. And it’s even worse for someone like me, who likes to have anything under control and takes forever to find the perfect words to put in a post before hitting “publish”.

I was ready to write about something else today but I changed my mind when I saw how crazy fast this time has passed. It definitely doesn’t feel like I last wrote such a long time ago.

About ten years ago I was warned about how fast time goes after your life reaches your third decade, but I just didn’t realize how fast people meant by “fast”. It is true that we don’t really take advice when we are young, and they we find out how all those things we were told actually came true as years passed.

Since June last year many things have changed and in hindsight, everything was good. Life evolves, and it is exciting.

Some other things don’t change, though. So I wanted to take the opportunity to thank that loyal audience that keeps reading what I write here. So thank you for being there.

More to come very soon…

Sink, Fly, Float. Repeat


We all have our weaknesses. Some of them we don’t even recognize, some of them we learn to live with, and some other we try to overcome.

One of my “strongest” weaknesses has always been being too nice. It could also be described as “being a sucker”.

I remember situations in the past when I can see clearly how stupid, or naive or both I have been. I can feel the frustration of my current self, seeing how badly my previous self was being treated and how I did nothing to change it.

Over the course of many many years of self-training, I have been learning to look after myself first, analyzing every bit of other people’s reaction to understand whether I was being taken advantage of or not, whether they were being truthful, just wanted something from me or they were just laughing at my expense. For years I’ve re-educated myself to be mean, ruthless and not caring about other people’s opinion, to despise other ways of thinking if I didn’t like the person, being purposely resentful and actually enjoying the whole process without feeling guilty.

On the positive side, it is a good improvement for me somehow, because I’ve learned that I can change things that were embedded in my personality when I was a kid. On the negative side, that sort of detachment that keeps me from feeling so much pain, makes me a bit of an iceberg (or even a not-so-passive hammer) sometimes.

I block situations or comments or people altogether when they hurt and I build an isolating wall of spite sound them, while my mind goes other way to forget about the pain.

If for so many years I was very nice and so many afterwards I wasn’t, so what, the average still comes out as ok, right? But it reminds me of the way a rubber ball would behave if you throw it violently against water: it will sink in the beginning, then it will also violently fly back up out if the water to finally quietly float. 

I guess I’d rather be unlinked than taken for a fool. I see it as a survival instinct, but I guess that doesn’t make it alright.

(This post best read while listening to:

When Anger Shows by Editors)

Peanuts (the Greener Side)

  

 
It is already February. It is time to realize whether we are still committed to our new year’s resolutions or we are already leaving them to be forgotten until next January.

My main resolution this year was to not complain so much, to live things as they come and enjoy every moment. No more thinking about the past, and thinking only a little (whatever is just necessary) about the future.

I realized there will always be situations that are going to bother me, but now what I just tell myself is “peanuts”. Then I turn around and start thinking about something else. I am aware it sounds strange but this is my reasoning:

We have all heard that grass is greener on the other side, so therefore, why are we not looking at our grass from the other side of the street? When I’m not happy about something now, I step outside of my life for a moment and see it from the outside, see it how everyone else sees it and sees me. Seeing things from accross the street makes them seem shinier, lighter, better and happier. I realize that my life is good and the things I complain about are just “peanuts”, nothing, nonsense.

I have the most wonderful friends. I have a job that I like. I have amazing work colleagues. I have an extraordinary life companion. I live in a free country, I travel, I do fun activities… The list could go on. (And yours could too!).

It turns out after all, it is not so bad to be me.
[This post best read while listening to:

My Bloody Mind by Maximo Park]

This Is It (Flying High)

This post is number one hundred. This post is written from the bottom of a knot I feel in my chest. This knot thinks of me from time to time and insistently bumps my insides to remind me of its presence.

I can feel this knot growing every time I look into one particular person’s eyes.

We whisper to each other all sorts of things, and I know that it is each other’s knots speaking. They are connected one.
It is amazing how these knots have brought with them a new measure of time. Before they were there, a year was a thousand years, and now fifty years is not long enough. A lifetime (our lifetime) does not seem long enough.

Any words we could possibly utter are not deep enough, and we know this because we’ve used them all.

They can not fully express what we feel so we stare at each other and we let our knotted insides talk. They know. We know.
This is bigger than me and bigger than us. It is overwhelming, it feels bigger than life.
I know when we’re gone we’ll be there, we’ll find each other again.

He started being the little island I could escape to whenever I needed to, now he’s fully becoming the ground I stand on.

This is the first time I don’t feel I have to look further, like I have to keep searching. I don’t feel scared that tomorrow it might not be what I want.
This has to be what it feels like. This has to be it.

 

(This post best read while listening to:

Higher Love by Depeche Mode)

A Leap of Faith (All In)


There are times in your life when you feel like jumping off board, others like jumping into a pool, sometimes like jumping out of a window, or needing to jump over an obstacle, or jumping at a sudden chance, or jumping on a plane and just leave and not look back.

I would say that I tend to be very cautious and I like to see where I’m going to land before I even stand up. My latest approach to life though is rather opposed to that, it is to live and to enjoy, and that’s it.

This is the time though when I really need to prove that I’ll follow that approach. It is the time to either take a huge leap of faith, or decide to let the the rubber band do its dance one again: first closer, then further away, and repeat again.

On the one hand, I know very well how the rubber band works, and I have no clue whether I’ll land on my feet when I jump. On the other hand, could the jumping be worth it? Absolutely. I have no doubt it could be amazing.

I am a hundred percent sure the leap is the way to go. I’ve wrapped up the self convincing arguments and made up my mind to it and to everything else that comes along.

I am committed to the jump. There we go, my friend, wherever it’ll lead us to, it’s life to its fullest, all in.


[This Post Best Read While Listening to:

Dance on a Volcano by Genesis]

Playing It Big

 A few weeks ago, amidst the wild storm of events I’ve been submerged into lately, I had a very interesting conversation with a really good friend.
He’s an amazing person who doesn’t tell you the right things, because he’d rather ask you the right questions, and I absolutely love him for that.

We have spoken so many other times of life and love, of love and hate, of hate and forgiveness, of forgiveness and happiness.
Last time, it ended up being a 3 hour-long conversation that lasted until almost 5am on a school night. This time it was a 4 hour-long discussion that felt like a few months worth of talking but condensed in what felt like just an hour. It was a very much needed talk.

Amongst the many things we discussed that night, one of them came back to my mind unexpectedly a few days ago, like the sort of things that you remember from a dream when a few hours have passed: it really hits you and you remember and think about it nonstop for a while. Since remembering, I can’t shake it.

This time it was about life, and how in order to make it big (meaning having a complete and happy life) we have to play it big. True that we could lose big too. But if we don’t risk because we are afraid to lose, we would be living only halfway. And living halfway is like losing somehow.

It seemed so simple, but at the same time so complicated. Sometimes we lack the push, the will, the guts, because we are scare of losing. But losing the chance of doing something because of fear, it’s still that: losing.
So let’s play it big.

I’ve recently put myself (or circumstances might have put me) in a position in which the result could be a huge win or a huge loss. This hand has being played for many many years but it feels this time is the definite one. The best (or the worst) could be yet to come.
Wish me luck.

(This post best read while listening to:
Lightning Risked It All by Songs:Ohia)