One of my “strongest” weaknesses has always been being too nice. It could also be described as “being a sucker”.
I remember situations in the past when I can see clearly how stupid, or naive or both I have been. I can feel the frustration of my current self, seeing how badly my previous self was being treated and how I did nothing to change it.
Over the course of many many years of self-training, I have been learning to look after myself first, analyzing every bit of other people’s reaction to understand whether I was being taken advantage of or not, whether they were being truthful, just wanted something from me or they were just laughing at my expense. For years I’ve re-educated myself to be mean, ruthless and not caring about other people’s opinion, to despise other ways of thinking if I didn’t like the person, being purposely resentful and actually enjoying the whole process without feeling guilty.
On the positive side, it is a good improvement for me somehow, because I’ve learned that I can change things that were embedded in my personality when I was a kid. On the negative side, that sort of detachment that keeps me from feeling so much pain, makes me a bit of an iceberg (or even a not-so-passive hammer) sometimes.
I block situations or comments or people altogether when they hurt and I build an isolating wall of spite sound them, while my mind goes other way to forget about the pain.
If for so many years I was very nice and so many afterwards I wasn’t, so what, the average still comes out as ok, right? But it reminds me of the way a rubber ball would behave if you throw it violently against water: it will sink in the beginning, then it will also violently fly back up out if the water to finally quietly float.
I guess I’d rather be unlinked than taken for a fool. I see it as a survival instinct, but I guess that doesn’t make it alright.
(This post best read while listening to:
When Anger Shows by Editors)