Sink, Fly, Float. Repeat


We all have our weaknesses. Some of them we don’t even recognize, some of them we learn to live with, and some other we try to overcome.

One of my “strongest” weaknesses has always been being too nice. It could also be described as “being a sucker”.

I remember situations in the past when I can see clearly how stupid, or naive or both I have been. I can feel the frustration of my current self, seeing how badly my previous self was being treated and how I did nothing to change it.

Over the course of many many years of self-training, I have been learning to look after myself first, analyzing every bit of other people’s reaction to understand whether I was being taken advantage of or not, whether they were being truthful, just wanted something from me or they were just laughing at my expense. For years I’ve re-educated myself to be mean, ruthless and not caring about other people’s opinion, to despise other ways of thinking if I didn’t like the person, being purposely resentful and actually enjoying the whole process without feeling guilty.

On the positive side, it is a good improvement for me somehow, because I’ve learned that I can change things that were embedded in my personality when I was a kid. On the negative side, that sort of detachment that keeps me from feeling so much pain, makes me a bit of an iceberg (or even a not-so-passive hammer) sometimes.

I block situations or comments or people altogether when they hurt and I build an isolating wall of spite sound them, while my mind goes other way to forget about the pain.

If for so many years I was very nice and so many afterwards I wasn’t, so what, the average still comes out as ok, right? But it reminds me of the way a rubber ball would behave if you throw it violently against water: it will sink in the beginning, then it will also violently fly back up out if the water to finally quietly float. 

I guess I’d rather be unlinked than taken for a fool. I see it as a survival instinct, but I guess that doesn’t make it alright.

(This post best read while listening to:

When Anger Shows by Editors)

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