Looking back in time I feel quite surprised of the guts that I have had in certain situations in my life. I’ve had the guts to do, to push, to refuse or to try and fight no matter how hard it was.
Now I am not so sure if I could do all those things again. Or at least right now. I don’t know how I did it, and I wonder where my courage has gone or where I got it from in the first place.
Truth is, that my memory has very long legs and it follows me wherever I go, therefore I avoid the creation of bad memories: I usually prefer to not say things instead of saying something and then be told off, or show that I’m weak or seem like a fool. You can never “unsay” or “undo” things.
There’s a situation that’s been puzzling me for a while now. When I ask for an opinion, everyone says I should lay my cards on the table and see what happens. The story is getting ridiculously confusing and long and weary. Sometimes I picture myself following everyone’s advice but mainly because I am very curious to find out finally what the different layers of this situation are like.
So many times before, I’ve decided that I’m giving up and walking away but there’s always something that unknowingly brings me back and so, here I am still.
I wish I had the courage to play my cards: open up, say what I feel and face the outcome, whatever it might be.
But I’ll more likely manage to leave the game sometime soon like I’m so used to do. It’s so much easier for me to walk away from people instead of admitting to them I need them by my side.
The problem is, I know that even if I turn away and try to not look back, the result will be the one looking back at me at some point.
(This post best read while listening to:
Love by The Smashing Pumpkins)