Hopeless

And the time has finally arrived.
This is me refusing to keep trying, this is me just sitting down and refusing to walk. This is me refusing to believe that things will be better, because they won’t, they never do.

I’ve finally ended up losing faith. I’ve lost faith in things working out for me in the end. I’ve lost faith in people being there. I feel completely hopeless. I’m done with this ride.

This is the inside eating out toward the outside, and I can’t be bothered to stop it. I’m done trying. I’ve done it long enough.

I give up. I’m tired of always being there for nothing good.
I’m tired of hearing just echoes at home, I’m tired of going to places on my own.
I’ve lost all faith and therefore I’ve lost it all.

[This post best read while listening to:

Two Blue Lights by Songs:Ohia]

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Facing Yourself

I’ve been sat down and talked to so many times. Face to face, told off, being yelled at and explained that what I did was wrong, that I shouldn’t have done this or that, and that I should have done something else instead. I’m always wrong, it seems I never get to do anything right.

I have a feeling that half of the world tells the other half what to do. Why is that so I’d like to know. What makes these people feel entitled to sit us down and tell us that we are not good enough, that we should’ve done differently, that we did everything wrong? What gives them the right to think they are better than us and that we should hear all about it?

We all have to face ourselves every day. I do at least. If these people keep doing the same things over and over though, it makes me think that they do not face themselves at all. If they see the consequences of the things they do and the hurtful words they coldly slap you in the face with and keep doing it, it means they don’t see a thing.

It is heartbreaking. I’ve never done anything with the intention of hurting anyone and yet again I get told off quite often by the people who I care about the most. It is getting tiring and to be honest I don’t know if I could take it one more time.

I would love to sit down with these people and make them realize the lies they tell, and the pain they cause, how wrong they are and how unfairly they behave.

I would love to sit them down and tell them off.
Because at some point they should face themselves for a change.

(This post best read while listening to:
We Have this Place Surrounded by The Boxer Rebellion)

The Fruit

At some point last week I had a weird dream: I was about to go on vacation with a very special and dearest someone. I was passing big oranges to him to pack in the caravan in which we were going to be traveling. At some point he decided there were enough oranges and it was time to go. So he started driving and I almost fall off the van while he was speeding off.
I asked him to stop so I could go home and collect my things for the trip and we agreed that we would be leaving the following day.

But he never showed up the following day. And as I was asking to hold the trip for one day, I had felt I knew he would never show up. But I discarded that hunch and still asked. It was the least I could do for myself.

The feeling after this dream didn’t leave me alone for a good few hours.
I guessed then that it meant I can see things coming my way but for some reason I tend to not pay attention. Or I ignore them in hopes that they’ll disappear or that I’ll be wrong. But I don’t really want to think about it at the moment.

(This post best read while listening to:
Coxcomb Red by Songs:Ohia)

Blinded by the Lights

I am very aware that I haven’t written anything for over one month. This is been a very intense (sometimes stressful) time in all senses.
It’s not like I haven’t thought of topics to write about, it’s more like my head is been all over the place for a while. Every time I’ve started thinking and writing about something I’ve ended up getting off track.

About a week ago I came back from a work trip to a very distant city. If it hadn’t been for work I would have probably never stepped on that country at all. The reason behind it being that I feel there are many other destinations that I find more interesting.

But this trip has been of use to shake my beliefs once again. I thought my mind was clear and I had come to terms with my life but I guess I was wrong.
I’ve seen wonderful places and met wonderful people. I’ve overcome bothersome challenges and still managed to have a good time and come back with some homework to do…

This trip has made me restless again, it has brought some life back into me and has made me want to do things and be happy. That’s the best way I can explain it.

I’ve relived the life I had ten years ago. Meaning I’ve felt again the life I had inside of me: the hope, the wonderful expectations and amazement. And it still feels right. It’s a life where every day is exciting and I never feel lonely even though I am surrounded by strangers. There is always something to do and someone to go out with. They’re never too busy and I am never unimportant.
Here, being back for a week, I already feel surprisingly lonely although all my friends and family are around.
And that is exactly what I have always liked about living in a place where everyone is a foreigner: you’re never alone. Living in a place like the one I live in now makes me feel very isolated. The place where I live is not a single-friendly place, everything and everyone is family/couple oriented and I do not have one. And by the look of things I might not have it ever.

Away, I’ve instantly found company, people who could be friends and others who could be lovers. All were nice and very interesting people.
So what does it all mean? The trip has stirred me up tremendously. Or maybe I’ve been just blinded by the lights. Or maybe it is that I am not that crazy: there are people who are like me and think like me. It is just that they are not around here.
Therefore I might need to not be here.

(This post best read while listening to:
Dancepack by Volcano Choir)