A few weeks ago a friend drove a couple of hours to visit for an evening. After all the active classes he teaches outdoors he found the energy to drive over. And to then drive back at six o’clock in the morning.
We hadn’t seen each other for two or three months but we have been there all this time, in the distance.
And when I needed some distance that was granted as well. So he’s a good friend. Even though we had not known each other for that long he’s done much more for me than other people.
Some days are “daisy days”: yes, no, yes, no… Then yes then no again. So many times we think there is something that we want, just to realize a while after that we don’t really want it anymore.
There are so many times when we think we know what we want but then we don’t have a clue.
But I do know. I have known all along. I’ve said so all along. And I don’t change my mind that easily.
I wish I could be there the way he wants me to but I can’t. So I won’t.
I would only like one person to be there but he’s not. He won’t.
I miss the company. I miss the movies. I miss the talking and I miss the laughing. I mostly miss the just looking at each other and understanding.
I miss having my best friend around.
A friend at work asks me how I do it. How I seem to be the “Pied Piper of Hamelin” when it comes to men but not being interested in a single one of them.
Truth is I do absolutely nothing.
I just hope.
That he’ll knock on my door one day.
But he won’t.
(This post best read while listening to:
Palimend by Benoît Pioulard)