Yesterday I was told something that made me very happy. I hadn’t been told that in a long time. When times were better. And much much sweeter than now.
Yesterday I was told I look happy. Not only that. I was told I irradiate happiness.
That is great news. Especially coming from someone who can easily read people.
Happiness that we pursue can be felt at times as fragile as foam and bubbles that easily burst away.
I’ve been trying hard though. I’ve doing my homework even though quite a few days are really tough. I read once, not too long away, that if you act happy, happiness will come to you, you get used to feeling that way by forcing yourself to feel like that.
That’s what I’ve been doing: pretending, putting up the big show that I am happy, even though I am certainly not, in the hope that some day soon I will feel happy, not so lonely and undeserving.
I had to lie yesterday and said that I am happy. But I’m still not at all.
Though getting my hopes back little by little.
I’ve been refusing things that come my way lately but have no use in my pursue of happiness. I don’t think some time back I would have refused them that easily. Not at least without considering it. At this time of my life the refusal was immediate.
Now I’m looking definitely for something else: my peace of mind, my well deserved pat on the shoulder, because after all, I think I am not that bad, I’ve been only trying to help every time, even people who never deserved it but I do, i think I have earned myself a quite big share of happiness of my own.
I deserve to be happy. I am a good person. Just hoping that the happiness that comes won’t be as volatile and fragile as soap bubbles are.
Again: for a change.
(This post best read while listening to:
Digging in the Dirt by Peter Gabriel