I feel like I have had to say goodbye way too many times lately.
It is not only the fact of saying so long. I never wholly realize that goodbyes are forever. I can not fully comprehend the fact that I will not be seeing someone anymore. “Anymore” does not exist in my dictionary. Therefore the effect of the goodbye does not hit me until quite a while afterwards. Then it hits really hard.
I consider myself to be pretty adaptable. Sometimes (most of the times) too adaptable. So I find it easy to lose myself. Quite often. Then, if something changes, if someone or something disappears all of a sudden, I am sort of coping for a bit, because I do not easily take it in, until I understand that it’s never going back to the way it was, the way I adapted myself to. I can’t grasp it because I find myself not capable of doing it. As I have mentioned in a previous post, I have realized I am much more of a softie than I ever thought and I ever showed. And I get very very lost. I would easily adapt to anything except to the “never” or the “never again”. That is hard.
The never agains arrive in many ways: some are unwillingly received, some are unwillingly given. Some others might be consciously chosen and happily given. Some others are readily given just because those givers enjoy living in a constant capsizing ship, in a perpetual turmoil, they need to make a mess from time to time and live off the energy these “never agains” create. Some others are just simply caused by a cease of existence, and that is it.
I also have a hard time coping with the difference between what people say and what they do. I seem to have found a pattern in what I do when that happens… trust and not give it importance, some times for years, then try really hard to get a reaction and fight my disbelief. Then if what I receive is coldness, it really hits me. So lastly it is my turn to move away from that rawness, say “never again” and try get by warmth back.
It is very hard for me to say never again. Especially when since it is in my nature to not build permanent walls. But trying hard is hard enough. And trying for a long time is long enough.
At some point we lack the energy and we need to leave and recharge ourselves. Therefore, besides the reasons mentioned above, there are never agains that come up when time after time we get tired of trying hard to be there and it doesn’t make a difference whether you are or not, at some point you become completely transparent, then invisible. We are not seen there, it is like we never were. You’re in an unresponsive world, surrounded by unresponsive people. You care for them and look after them for years. But there is just silence as an answer. If you try hard and it does not make a difference, why keep trying at all? In the end, things and people are disregarded when they disregard themselves and we get tired of trying to reengage them into normality.
We all hate the not anymores and the goodbyes, but we are worth and we deserve so much more than being overlooked.
(This post best read while listening to:
That’s Life by Frank Sinatra)