The Many Mirrors

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Lately I’ve been feeling pretty lost. I’m feeling like I don’t know who I am or who I have to be. Talking to people makes me realize that my life is not the way I see it. And I am not the way I see myself either.
I don’t know anything anymore.

I’ve been so wrong that I’m realizing that I might never find what I am looking for. I never thought I would scare anyone by being successful, I thought it was something that only happened in movies. But I guess I was wrong. I thought that being successful would mean being less of a pain for the man next to me. I was so far from right. And so I was recently let known.

In the last week I have been asked out by two wonderful men. One of them at the gym, and the other one last Friday at karaoke night. You have a secret admirer,and honey, you’re rather gorgeous, those are things I do not see myself worthy of hearing. You are really successful, you must be proud. That is another one that doesn’t click either. Why am I not proud at all?

The mirrors do not always show us what there is. As the dharmas in Buddhism, they might be different beings that in the end make up what we are at any given point. Then maybe none of those images by themselves make what we are. Is there any way we can see them all?
I’ve been exposed to many sides of myself lately. And they do not match the things I see at all. The main thing I’ve found out? It ends up I am a softie. So much more romantic and idealistic than what I thought and so much more than I have portrayed all my life.

I wish I was not so damn picky either. I demand so much of myself (not anyone else, though) that sometimes I think I am just sabotaging myself. Maybe I am afraid to find what I’m looking for in case I lose it. For some reason I keep stopping myself. Maybe I don’t want to set myself for disappointment. Maybe what I want just simply does not exist.

I wish there was a way of finding out which one of the many mirrors throws the real image back at me. Maybe all of them do, maybe none of them does. But I still feel there’s an important image that is missing. And that missing piece blinds with its darkness any other piece that shines around it.

I’m just beginning to write lyrics, in a professional way. Maybe some of my fears will get revealed, my pain relieved and that way burnt down to the ground as they are sung by other people. I was so wrong about myself…

I would be lying if I said
I’ve never thought I’d take my own life
I would be lying if I said
That I never made a plan
I would be lying if I said
I didn’t think about it in the last month
I would be lying if I said
it would only be your fault
I would be lying if I said
That it wasn’t just the last drop

I would be lying if I said
I never hated you before
I would be lying if I said
I thought you’d never let me fall
I would be lying if I said
I’m not afraid to be alone
I would be lying if I said
I never thought of letting you go
I would be lying if I said
I never doubted we were like one
I would be lying if I said
I think my one hadn’t already past
I would be lying if I said
That life isn’t passing me by

I would be lying if I said
I never thought of giving up
I would be lying if I said
I’ve never thought I’d take my own life
I would be lying if I said
That I never made a plan
I would be lying if I said
I didn’t think about it in the last month

 

(This post best read while listening to:
On the Death of the Waters by Shearwater)

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4 thoughts on “The Many Mirrors

  1. I like your energy and the message that you are conveying through your blog! Look forward to more posts!

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    • Thank you so much for your support! To know that there is someone listening makes me feel a bit less lonely and less misunderstood. 🙂 Thanks again for stoping by and commenting.

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  2. All the mirrors show you several images, but all the images have some similarities: one girl really really amazing, who provides love, armony, affection, happiness. All the people around you wish to be all the time with you and they (including me) feel proud of having the chance to know you. So, go on because you deserve all the best. Writing lyrics it is marvellous, and you have the proper skills for it. Than you very very much for your friendship

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    • Do you know Albert? Sure, I provide all of that, and as I said yesterday evening, I do it consciously, putting a huge effort and in the end exposing myself everyday. For what? For just disappointment and loneliness and a feeling of inadequacy. I know that we don’t talk much in person but by the things you said yesterday, I can tell you understand me pretty well through the lines I write here.
      Tiring tiring tiring. I demand a lot, that is why I offer a lot too. I don’t feel I get that much back. When a person I trust disappoints me, there’s no way back and my trust is taken away forever. On top of that I feel bad because I feel I’ve not done enough and even worse when I am not capable of seeing someone the way I used to anymore. I can’t help it. It is horrible to not be able to trust someone I care about. And I beat myself for it. Or maybe for having trusted in the first place. Or for not having tried even harder. Or for the three, who knows.
      But can’t stand the feeling. I can’t stand lies and betrayal.
      Since they’re my feelings and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, I feel pretty helpless and hopeless.
      It sounds harsh, but if it doesn’t matter what we do, if we can not choose our destiny, what the heck are we doing? Following the flow? Floating down the river?
      Well, then I’m not liking where it’s taking me. 😏

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