The X that Never Marked the Place

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This is the actual X that on my map never marked the place.
The X was just an X.
The X I so much believed in
but then I lost all my faith.

It was clearly stated,
planted on the ground right in front of our window.

For a while I was convinced this was the place.
The X was there.
For better or for worse
For a minute or for a day
I was there
For years holding on to that X
Often feeling like a wreck
But for years I waited and waited.
Until I realized the X was just becoming that: an X.

Nothing happened, nothing came
Lots of comings and goings
but nothing stayed
Just the feeling of loneliness.

The long wait became a constant pain
And the pain grew bigger and bigger:
All I saw was that
of your time and attention and future
I had always just been getting the remains.

Everything stayed the same
And I was never good enough to prevail.

All I wanted was what everybody else had
Even though I’ve always been downplaying that fact.

On top of it I was let go for a while
The only thing I was feeling was:
I was being skinned alive
Maybe I was wrong
Wrong all along
And we shouldn’t have ever left each other go.

(This is where my believing on the X comes from,
from the time when I was -like now- really really sad:)
(This post best listening to:
Where I End and You Begin by Radiohead)

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