The Personal Promotion

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I am not sure how many job promotions I have got in my life. Many. Plus the ones I have not accepted. Yeah, I know I should be happy. But not really. Actually, not at all. Because it makes me think of other areas in my life and that makes me feel quite frustrated. These recognitions at work do not compensate for the things that I lack in my personal life. I am still waiting for that personal promotion. An upgrade, please. I have been always been moving along the line between “forever girlfriend” and “fired”. Every time. Always in that order. One time I made it to “I have you on a pedestal”, but that was after having been “fired” (how the f*** is that even possible?). No matter how much “I work”, how much I put into it, I am never the one getting a promotion, I am the one who gets fired. And it is getting really really tiring.

What makes me worse than anyone else? What makes me not special enough? Not even special, but what makes me not just about like anyone else around? Maybe I am simply not good enough. Maybe I do not deserve it.

I want to be like that shell in the picture. A friend picked it up for me. I want to be found but be never let go.

(This post best read while listening to:
Uneven by Tara Angell)

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Vexing People

Dark Clouds in Background

This is a word that I always found fascinating: vex. To vex someone. To me it has always had a very strong negative meaning, and I guess it is because it kind of reminds me of “vixen”, and “vixen” reminds me of “viper”… So to me, vexing people are those who bite and inject venom into out bloodstream, and therefore, to some extent into our lives.

I know that this is a bit of a extreme word puzzle, but hey, that’s what it means to me.

There are so many times in which we are vexed by people. We are annoyed, we are made feel uncomfortable, maybe with sugarcoating excuses, maybe without even noticing ourselves. We are filled up with toxicity, with negativity. Dark poison, gloomy destruction, hazy sourness, dingy mercilessness, dreary bitterness… It all starts running through our veins. We are let down. But still hanging around.

Then we move away from certain situations, and we realize how much we are vexed, how polluted the air that we breathe is, how bad we were feeling for no reason, how not guilty we are. How we tried so hard, but what we received was unfair opposition and unavoidable hostility.

This works the other way around as well. None of us is a saint, no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves. We also vex people, even without noticing, without thinking too much about the consequences of our actions. But we are not aware, we will never, ever be aware of everything that we do. I want to insist, we are no saints, and there is no way to acknowledge some things we do to others, we do not see it, but it is a fact. I wonder whether we are entitled to the punishment (to that karma) for the things we are oblivious to, for the things we do inadvertently. I don’t know. Those things still hurt someone I guess. It is hard to walk out from somebody who, out of nowhere, just told you is falling in love with you, but on the other hand, you don’t want the opportunity to mislead that person… I am vexing him by stepping aside, and I am being vexed by him just because he’s expressing his feelings… I wouldn’t want to be hurt that way just the same way I don’t want to hurt anyone that way ever again. All this vexing we do unintendedly, we do it mainly by saying things or by reacting to certain situations in a certain way, but how can we help it?

Why does it all have to be so d*** hard? In the end, sometimes each one of us can be vexing, some other times we are vexed. Unintentionally, ideally. I want to think that way. Hopefully it all was involuntary. But it does not make it better. Or easier.

(This post best read while listening to:
Talk Down the Girl by The Veils)

Living Passion

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You either run towards death while you enjoy the way or
you let death run after you until it catches you.

When you’re trying to step out of a roller coaster, you realize that in order to make it out of it alive, you need to step into another one.
This second roller coaster might not necessarily come in the same shape as the previous one, but it needs to provide the same feeling. Feelings need to be replaced.
The replacement is now passion.

Living with passion, that is my duty. I will run towards death but will enjoy the way. Death is always there to back you up and hold you down, or staring at you to make you run away from it faster.

To live with passion you really have to want to live and experience, and enjoy. And sometimes suffer. Passionately.
What are the things that you always wanted to do and thought so much about it that it paralyzed you? No judgments, no opinions to stop you. As long as you don’t hurt anyone, do as you please, do as you like. You ride the new roller coaster, you lead it. So, build a bucket list, and then demolish it by crossing things out when they’re done.

“Dealing with permanent things (begin with inked ones).” Check!
“Turn my passion into my job.” Working on it!

Build, build, build… then destroy it all, (détruisons tout!), with passion.

(This post best read while listening to:
Staying Alive by Cursive, or
Ready to Start by Arcade Fire)

The Compensation (Even It Out)

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For every plus there is a minus.
For every brightness, there is a shadow.

Everything needs to be compensated, balanced in the end. Whether you get the good end of the scale or the bad one, they cancel one another, you’re counteracted, used to stabilize, to steady things, to restore the equilibrium.
And there you are, swinging violently from side to side around a “center” that you fly past but never to stay at.

Tilting, shifting, swaying, swinging, fluctuating… but no stopping in the middle: no harmony ever.

The hardest part is to not be able to stop and share. From across things always look different. I’m missing that other outlook, I would love to get a different perspective, another point of view now that what’s in stake involves changes, but hey, blatantly, dependence times offset independence times.

I thought an “X” would mark the place, but it didn’t. Where’s my map? The “X” didn’t seem right when we looked at it through the window, and we moved away from it years ago.

Now, what remains is once again more tilting, shifting, swaying, swinging, fluctuating…
More deciding… on my own.

(This post best read while listening to:
Love on the Rocks by Neil Diamond)

Heading Towards Disaster

I guess this post could have also been called: Running With Knives.

I am sure there’s been times in your life when you’ve known you were heading towards a mess, but nevertheless you continued, you kept walking down the same pathway even though you knew that it wasn’t leading to a good place and was eventually going to leave you as a wreck.
Those times when we see it coming, why don’t we stop it? Is it because our hope is endless? Is it because we trust ourselves so much we think we can make it happen otherwise? Is it because we live in denial? Or is it because we want to be right?

Sure you can add a few more possible explanations. Each of them would be as right as many people there are on the face of Earth.

To me, it makes no sense, what’s the answer? If we are on a ship that you can see is heading directly towards the rocks, why do we stay there? Watching ourselves being drifted away… And wasted away.
“Don’t reach out, don’t reach out…”*

Denial is my best guess, or maybe just the one that suits me best. And hope. Endless hope that brings along denial and plain, foolish blindness.
But: “…just ’cause you feel it, it doesn’t mean it’s there”*.

*(Taken from the recommended song for this post).

(This post best read while listening to:
There, There – The Boney King of Nowhere by Radiohead)