The importance of being… important.
This has been one of my most recurrent fears since I was a little child. I remember for quite sometime I thought my parents were going to leave me unattended (and left behind) at a busy place and that would be it, I would be on my own. Being always afraid of not being important enough to anyone translated over the years into something more specific: never being important to a someone.
In this post (or in this blog either) I’m not talking about being important at a professional level (for that is something I am definitely not interested about), I’m talking strictly from a personal perspective.
Do we all need the same things? Are we all looking for the same things in life?
The more I live and the more people I know, I’m convinced that we do not speak the same language when it comes to understanding other people’s needs. (Or it might very well just be me not getting it at all). 😦
I’ve always lacked that feeling of being important (again, in a strictly personal level) to someone, just like I’ve felt some people have been in my life. When it is only one way, that means depending on someone, and that is something I don’t cope with too well. I like my freedom. I’ve learnt to. I’ve taught myself to. When I feel I am not important, I take everything personal, I feel offended very (maybe too) easily. So offended that I step back and shut myself down as a defense from getting hurt.
I’d just love to be somebody’s light just the same way they might be mine. It should be a two way thing or no-thing at all.
This thought takes me back to Grey, the first blogger I ever met in 2005 and the conversations we used to have about not wanting to save any more “damsels in distress” who will eventually forget their rescuer when they realize they do not need them anymore. The hero paradox. Getting so lost into somebody that you lose yourself. We would endlessly talk about the more adequate but difficult and therefore eternal search for “an equal”: the ideal person who is in the same situation as you are, no unbalance, no stress, no compensating for any past happenings. Not simple though. The older we get (and consequently the more damaged we are) the more impossible this finding becomes, indeed. How about somebody saves the one-time hero for a change? We have all become damsels and we are running out of heroes lately. It’s a burnout job.
We should all be as important to somebody as they might be for us. Just that. A simple thought but SO difficult to find. There’s always been a reason why it does not ever happen, I presume, why we tend to never be important enough. Sometimes the reason is known, but to me, most of the times it stays deeply concealed.
Sometimes I wonder whether I signed up for that importance or whether I forgot to. If I haven’t, I guess I’m never letting my defense down. I never thought I was asking for so much that the world would not deliver it. But really. Can’t be true.